Codependency and Trauma Bonding in Relationships

Codependency is a key feature in many toxic and dysfunctional relationships. A codependent relationship is an unhealthy bond in which two people become consumed by each other and can’t function independently. In these relationships, usually one person is more passive struggling to make decisions for themselves. The more dominant person feels compelled to control the other and make decisions for them. Often in these types of relationships, both partners have experienced trauma or dysfunctional family dynamics in childhood, where unhealthy relationships were modeled by the adults around them. People in codependent relationships often struggle with a number of unhealthy characteristics, including:

• Poor self-esteem

• Unhealthy boundaries 

• People-pleasing 

• Poor communication

• Reactivity

• Feeling responsible for another person’s feelings

• Poor self-image

• Dependency

Codependent relationships can become toxic and damaging when one person in the relationship struggles with addiction or other detrimental behaviors, leading the other person to unknowingly enable their behavior or take advantage of them in some way.  Codependent relationships are mostly thought of as pertaining to romantic relationships, but they can also be found in other types of relationships- friendships, business partnerships, amongst siblings, etc. 

Trauma Bonding

Trauma Bonding is a term used to describe relationships in which a person becomes strongly attached to, or “bonded” to their abuser. It is often likened to Stockholm Syndrome, a psychological response seen in victims held against their will. These victims begin to feel affection or compassion for their captor. It is a built-in survival strategy that bonds the person to the abuser, leading to the desire to make them “happy” and thus having a better chance of survival.

People who struggle with codependency may find themselves in a trauma bond. These trauma bonds will often occur with a narcissist who will display extreme  controlling and manipulative behaviors, and can also be physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive. They may begin the relationship positively, showing a kind and loving nature. However, over time, their abusive and manipulative behaviors begin to show up more and more. Even if the relationship is ended due to this abuse, the narcissist shifts their behavior more positively to get the person back, strengthening the trauma bond further and continuing a destructive and vicious cycle that the person more prone to codependency may struggle to get out of. 

If you find yourself in a toxic, codependent relationship or trauma-bond, it is recommended to physically separate yourself from the other person as much as possible. Develop a support network of healthy friends and family, and seek out therapy. A licensed psychotherapist can give you the mental and emotional support you need to stand on your own two feet, as well as help you uncover the unaddressed trauma from childhood that contributes to your strong, unhealthy attachments in relationships. EMDR Therapy is an excellent technique to reprocess trauma from the past that may be contributing to your dysfunctional relationships.