When Success Still Doesn’t Feel Like Enough
What does it mean to be successful? In Western culture, we have placed a social standard on achieving specific external life goals. These achievements have become the baseline for what many people use to define themselves and others as “successful.” They include things such as: landing that great job, residing in a beautiful home, “that” relationship status, completing your education, and having the ability to afford all your heart’s desires. We often assume that meeting these goals will make us happy and allow us to feel a sense of peace within ourselves.
More often, what people find is that unless they were feeling a sense of inner peace before meeting these goals, they continue to struggle with a sense of something lacking. That is because our ideas about who we are as people are primarily formed way before we even start to daydream about who we want to be “when you grow up.” Our core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us begin forming at an early age, through our experiences, and we carry them with us into adulthood.
Over the years, I have worked with many very successful people who struggle with feelings of discontentment. They often come into therapy expressing a sense of confusion, and may make statements like "I don't understand, I have everything anyone could ever want, why do I still feel like I'm not good enough?" or "I keep thinking that once I get that promotion THEN I'll be happy, but then I get the promotion and I still feel the same."
When we dig deeper into the person's life, in particular their childhood, we often find small 't' traumas as being the culprit for the underlying beliefs. They can be formed through seemingly simple life experiences: a parent having high expectations, a critical teacher or coach, being compared to a successful sibling, or getting teased by a peer.
These negative core beliefs will often play out in an internal battle of "I know ___ , but I feel ___."
Some common examples:
"I know I'm successful but I feel like a failure."
"I know I'm doing well but I feel like I'm not enough."
"I know I have a lot to offer but I feel worthless."
"I know I'm smart but I feel stupid."
"I know I'm talented but I feel inadequate."
"I know I'm strong but I feel weak."
"I know people care about me but I feel unlovable."
It can be difficult to challenge these beliefs, as they are deeply ingrained and inflexible. We often equate these beliefs to magnets; one side attracts while the other repels. The side that attracts will want to hold on to anything that confirms the negative belief, while the side that repels will reject evidence to the contrary. This is why a person may hear many compliments in a day but fixate on that one comment about a smudge on their shoe.
One helpful way to begin challenging these negative core beliefs is to keep a daily log of the desired positive statements (for example: "I am good enough"), and all the evidence that confirms that statement.
Another effective way of challenging these negative core beliefs is by reprocessing the old memories which were the trigger for the belief in the first place. EMDR therapy is an effective way of allowing the brain to reprocess the memories towards an adaptive solution.
If you are struggling with negative beliefs, reach out to one of our licensed and certified therapists to find out if EMDR therapy is something that you could benefit from. Through this psychotherapy technique and the support of a clinical professional, you can safely reprocess old memories and replace negative beliefs with positive cognitions.
If you’re interested in scheduling an EMDR session with one of our clinicians Click Here to book now or find out more About Us.
